Should You Invite Your Ex to Holiday Affairs
By: Len Stauffenger
Dr. Laura and I are in agreement that the kids come first,
particularly in a divorce. If you are brewing over a family affair
and wondering if you should invite your ex, please think through
your decision with the children as the first basis for a yes or a
no.
Ask yourself questions from as many angles as you can. Will he or
she be bringing a date? Are the children comfortable with his new
date? How will it affect you? Will you just glow with delight
seeing him or her with a new partner? What might be some good
reasons for not inviting him to attend the affair? Have you spoken
to the parents, grandparents or in-laws involved? What is their
input? Have you asked your children how they'd feel if your ex
attended? Was it positive? Negative? I personally think that if
you are inviting your ex to a holiday dinner or even to your
wedding, you would be wise to look at this from all the angles. It
would be rude not to invite the new person in your ex's wife.
Divorce interaction protocol does bring up some uncomfortable,
emotional situations, so please don't make a snap decision without
a full look.
Another aspect of considering your children in inviting your ex to
an event is the lesson wrapped up in becoming mature over this. We
all have former relationships. We'll all have future
relationships. You want to act in a non-combative, collaborative
way and you will be teaching your children to discipline their
emotions and use reason when you make a decision. Tell your
children all the things you looked at before you reached a
decision and don't hesitate to share with them that it pulled you
in several uncomfortable directions. This is a superb learning
opportunity.
It's hard to sidestep a decision that involves more than just you.
They just are complicated, but then, you are so capable. This kind
of decision creates feelings that are emotionally challenging as
well, because none of us likes to be in a situation or place
someone else in a situation where their feelings will get hurt. No
one like to feel hurt, and being in a room with your ex would
bring all the old feelings back - both those that feel good and
those that feel uncomfortable.
Have you considered how your ex might feel being invited to attend
a function with a family to which he/she no longer is a part? If
he/she does attend, you can consider who he might feel most
comfortable talking with and seat him beside that person and away
from someone who might be a touch more uncomfortable.
I think a rule of thumb is to have heart to heart discussions with
the majority of people who are going to be involved and get their
input. His/her attendance for some occasions would be arbitrary,
and for others, like a child's wedding, might be mandatory, say,
in the case of inviting ex-grandparents to child's wedding.
If the event involves your ex because the two of you are
co-parenting, then at a minimum let your ex know about the event
even if he isn't invited. That's only fair.
I know I didn't provide any absolute answers. What I provided were
considerations, because I think you're capable of resolving this
for yourself. It will strengthen your sense of self-worth and I'd
like that for you. When a divorce enters into a family and
children are part of the equation, it's always a source of
unfolding more character. Divorce is never fun, but the blessing
that are intrinsic to it are undeniable.
About the Author
In his book "Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents," Len
Stauffenger shares his simple wisdom gleaned from his divorce with
his daughters and with you. Len is a Success Coach and an
Attorney. You can purchase Len's book and it's accompanying
workbook at
http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com
.
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