12 Tips to Help Your Kids Express Their
Feelings Because of Your Divorce
By: Len Stauffenger
You and your ex divorced. It's more than likely left you
feeling as if all your dreams are over. You have some life
experience to help you cope. But your kids don't have those years,
and your divorce might be one huge horror to them. They
don't like this new thing. They want their other parent back into
their daily life.
Of course, they'll eventually figure things out. I've created a
hefty list of tips to help you help them to begin to cope with the
divorce and their feelings.
1. Initiate Play With Them. Kids adore game playing, and while
they think they are just "playing," you can use questioning to
discover their true feelings. Be considerate and accepting. Don't
try to audit or correct their words. Just listen.
2. Do Artwork Together. If you provide your child with crayons,
paper, paste and other materials, you can do an art project with
the theme: Mommy and Daddy's Divorce and (child's name) Role in
It. Ask gentle questions and listen up for their answers. Fairly
often, they hide their feelings inside the words they use.
3. Talk About It. This works best for older children. You can
ask a very leading open-ended question - one that cannot be
answered by Yes or No - and then let the child do the talking. You
listen and ask more questions. Don't interject your opinion unless
he asks a specific question only you can answer.
4. Read Books Together. Find books appropriate for your child's
age about divorce and ask questions about his feelings as you read
the book together.
5. Name Your Own Feelings. Your child might not know yet how to
express the feeling that he is feeling about your divorce. Explain
what your own feelings are, and your child will learn to begin to
talk about his own feelings.
6. Good and Bad Ways To Deal With Feelings. Find family-type
magazines and look through them together with your child to
discuss the pictures that exemplify feelings. Talk about the
feelings in the pictures and ask your child about his own feelings
stirred by this nasty divorce situation.
7. Write A Story Together. Allow him to tell the story as he
does for sharings at school. He dictates. You write, with mouth
zipped. Just write. Later you can go back and ask questions about
the feelings he talked about. You can ask where he felt the
feeling in his body and how did it feel there?
8. Create a Puppet Show. You can each play a role, but let him
choose which role he wants to play. That alone could tell you a
lot. You be the other parent and ask questions about his feelings
as you play.
9. Make A Scrapbook About the Divorce. This is a bit dramatic,
but it just might be effective for some children. You can sit and
watch as he does it, or you can just be in the same room for
emotional support. When he's done, say "Tell me about your
drawing." Ask feeling questions when he tells you about it.
10. Show Empathy for his plight. Recognize that your kids have
lost control over a horror that looks uncontrollable to them
because you are getting a divorce. You can tell him you realize he
might not have made the same decision. If you offer him choices
about daily doings once the divorce decision has been made, you
can help him regain a sense of control.
11. Physical Activity. This is a great way to let kids run off
pent up emotions. Getting physically active will help them to work
off their tension. Once that's drained, they will be so much
better prepared to handle the next challenge.
12. Provide Continuity. Divorce intrudes change into a child's
life and they don't handle change well at all due to their
immaturity. If you can keep his room the same; mealtime the same;
household routine the same; homework time the same - whatever you
can do to maintain continuity, it will help your child unfold his
coping skills and handle his emotions so much better.
Your children come first and they are worth every effort you
can make for their best regard. They will learn soon enough that
your divorce is not the end of the world for them and that you've
made every effort to provide the best for them.
About the Author
In his book "Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents,"
Len Stauffenger shares his simple wisdom gleaned from his divorce
with his daughters and with you. Len is a Success Coach and an
Attorney. You can purchase Len's book and it's accompanying
workbook at
http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com .
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